Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Another Anniversary

My mother died today...19 years ago. I've always thought it was sort of a cruel joke that she died on April Fool's Day. Each year, I replay the events leading to her death...and each year I think that it won't bother me. Actually, bother is the wrong word. I just miss her more. And, I guess I'm just mad that she's not here to be a part of our lives, especially the lives of her grandkids. And, every year, about a week before April 1, I get a little more emotional...a little weepy...and quiet. I don't really talk about it much because I get tired of getting all emotional. I get tired of crying about it, so it's easier to just not discuss it too much. I'm weeping as I write this, and my throat is all tight, and my nose is running, and it gives me a slight headache. I hate that! I get tired of cleaning myself up, and then doing it again... Anyway, I have a friend that has recently gone through a loss, and the truth is, there's just nothing to say. The big question is, "Why did God let this happen?" Silence. No answer. It took me about 4 years to get back to a "first name basis" with God. I never lost my salvation, or anything like that...I know God was with me, and holding me, and walking with me... but it was just so painful to be in his presence with such a feeling of loss. After about 4 years, when the pain wasn't as fresh, there was a time with the Lord when I let go of the big question. I suppose you could say it was a crossroads...either have faith that he knows what he's doing, or say, "to heck with the whole thing". I chose faith. Doesn't mean I don't think about her every day though. Since her death, I've lost my dad, both grandmothers, one grandfather, and my mother-inlaw. My family now is so different from what I had growing up, and what I had hoped my children would have. So, I'm glad that today is over...

8 comments:

Sherri said...

Back on-line after about 3 weeks... with only a "loaner" computer until the new one gets here....
anyhow..
hugs and love to you friend. Hugs and lots of love.

loved your cards too. Especially the one with the rub-ons and the flowers.
VERY, VERY COOL.

The Shan said...

Oh Trish! I'm SO SORRY. I don't really know all these things about you and I'm glad to get to know you more through our crazy computers. I don't understand such pain and loss and I can get upset at just the thought of losing my own mother. I hope you have found some lovely women along the way who could help fill some of the holes that she left in your life when she passed. xo

Lynn said...

So sorry Trish. Especially that she didn't get to know your wonderful kids. My mom died 6 years ago on May 5. I write to her in a journal every once in awhile and it really helps. Hope tomorrow is a great day for you. Hugs and Blessings....

WendyJanelle said...

I'm so sorry, Trish. I didn't know...
((hugs))
I'm sorry.

Melissa Flaming said...

Trish, you made me cry. Partly because I feel so badly for you, partly because I feel so guilty that I got so mad at my Mom this morning for calling me THREE TIMES between 6:30 and 7:30AM!! But, you know? At least I still have my precious Mom who CAN call me. So, I will pray for you right now. I am sorry. There are some things that just shouldn't make me so dadgum mad.

Adelia said...

I really thank you for sharing this. My grandmother died before I was two and my mom was almost 20. My mom goes into a deep quiet in January, the month my grandma died, and it takes her about another 2 months to come out of it. She has also lost most of her family. Like you, so different from her childhood and what she thought and who she thought would be in her kids' lives. I thank you because I sometimes get frustrated with her "quiet." I just want her to enjoy us and not dwell on what is gone. You know, I put on the Ms. Fix It Belt. I hate not being able to fix it. It's nice to know she's not alone in how she misses her mom. And please don't think I wouldn't be the same. I'm crying as I type this. Mom's are just so precious. Family is priceless...

Suzanne said...

Trish, I am just catching up on all things online. I'm so sorry. I wish I would have know to just prayed for you. I don't even know the words to share as I can't even imagine what you've been through.

Anonymous said...

Trish - I'm just today (4/29) reading this post. I'm so very sorry about your mom. I lost my grandpa on 4/1, 17 years ago. I'd seen him the day before in the hospital, before heading out of town for college. I'm so glad I had that last visit, and wish I'd stayed longer. My cousin called to tell me early the morning of 4/1, and I had the same types of thoughts you did when the call came in. I'm so sorry...Sherrill