Friday, October 10, 2008

Cry Me a River

Do you remember the last time you cried? Not just wept, but really boo-hoo, sobbing sort of crying? Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, "Well, what time is it...?" Not me. I really don't like crying. To me, crying is so annoying. It makes my throat hurt, my nose run, and usually gives me a headache. Not to mention, the effect on my eyes and my makeup. There have been times that I've had the tears come to my eyes, for whatever reason, but I thought to myself that it was just not a good time to cry...I'll save it for later.
Anyway, Roger and I flew to Princeton last weekend to attend Beverly's funeral. Beverly was married to Roger's father for the last 11 years. We were so sad to see her go and so sorry that she suffered during her last few days. But, her death isn't what made me cry this weekend. When I cry, it very often has something to do with my mother. I miss her terribly, and going to a funeral usually brings back memories of her funeral, more so than the absence of the person whose funeral I'm attending. So, when I saw the pain that Beverly's daughters/granddaughter were feeling, I cried for myself, and for them, because it never really goes away. When Beverly's daughter told me that Beverly had commented many times that she thought I was a good mother and was proud of me...I cried. Even now, as I sit here, I'm tearing up...but resisting. There really is no bigger cheerleader than a mother, and I yearn for my own mother's approval and validation. I want her to be proud of me. So, even though Bebs wasn't my mother, she's the only "mother" I've had for the last 11 years...and I suppose she filled in some gaps. The other time I cried was when I thought about my sweet father-in-law. This is the second wife he's buried who suffered from ovarian cancer. He has been such a faithful and loving husband to both of them...and the last days of both were so difficult. What can I do to help him? Nothing... at least, nothing that seems significant to me. I can make him food, I can sit with him, I can take care of his grandchildren... but, I can't take away the pain, or loneliness.
I can only think of two times in my life when I sobbed uncontrollably. The first time was about 20 years ago. mother... She had died about 3 months earlier and my father was getting remarried. Yes, remarried. I can't even tell you how big a mistake it was. We were at a friend's house for the ceremony, and almost immediately after it began, I began to cry... I mean, sobbing in a way that sounded like I was having an asthma attack! I couldn't stop. Here's the crazy thing...I cried through the whole ceremony! I didn't leave, and they didn't stop, so on their video, you couldn't hear anything, because I was crying!! How weird is that? I remember thinking that I shouldn't have to be there. It was probably a bad omen because they were divorced within 6 months... no tears then though.
The second time was about 2 years ago. I had my first mammogram and the doctors had found a spot and wanted me to have a biopsy. I wept in the doctor's office, but when I got in the car, I lost it. Honestly, all I could think about was leaving my kids motherless. I sat in the car with Roger and sobbed for about 5 minutes. Then the Valium kicked in and I went to sleep. The biopsy was clear and everything was fine, but it was a rough 2 weeks.
I don't think I was always an anti-cryer. But, after going through my mother's death, I actually remember thinking to myself that I was so tired of crying. Maybe I learned to control it some. Or, maybe I deny myself that outlet and express my feelings in other ways. I don't FEEL like I'm somehow denying my emotions. And, I do cry. Usually, when I'm watching my son as he drives down the driveway...I get all teary. And, I cry when I think about what the Lord has done for a sinner like me.


Jerri Dalrymple said...

I'm so sorry, Trish. I go through different phases. For a few years I was a cryer, but then toughened by life, I became hard...probably too hard. It's taken many years for me to find my way back to that sensitive side...trying to find "balance" between the two. In recent months, the tears flow without control, which angers me. I don't like feeling out of control of those tiny little drops. In fact, it happened today. I hope to regain strenth in that area and I admire your ability to "hold it" for later. Maybe I'll learn in time. I just want to say, since I didn't know about your biopsy, I'm SO glad you are okay!!!!

Mom Keena said...

Tears? Me? Never! NOT! I'm glad you got to go to Bebs' service. It is good to hear that she had confirmed you as a mom, even if she had never told you. (Did she?) I know that means a lot to you. It means a lot to all of us! Last time I teared up was Friday. We went to the airport to pick up Grace's friends from Chicago. As we were standing there waiting, I imagined that Bethany appeared with Trishie and Maeve, and how surprised I would be that she had come to Bozeman with them. What a great surprise! I nearly chortled through my tears. So yes, I tear up. Even at imaginary emotional outpourings! I'm hopeless!

Lynn said...

Trish---again so sorry about your loss. I don't think there is anything you can do for your FIL, except pray and keep in contact with him. If he doesn't live too far away, visiting would probably be very helpful.

About the crying----I am a "non-cryer" also. Didn't cry at my mom's funeral 6 years ago, and usually don't cry at anything. Unless I'm caught off-guard by family whom I feel hurt by. Very rare. But I do remember the last time i sobbed liked that----and it was after my father-in-law died 4 yrs. ago in October. We were leaving/driving from Michigan and the fall colors were so intense and beautiful & thought of leaving our "home" and his dieing just came together, and sobbed for at least an hour.

I think perhaps when one doesn't usually cry easily----when it happens, it just pores out and probably that is a good thing.

By the way---I think you are a good mom and a good friend too. And if you ever have to have another biopsy & want to talk, or need anything---let me know---I've had a few (no cancer, thank goodness). Take care.....