Another Anniversary

My mother died today...19 years ago. I've always thought it was sort of a cruel joke that she died on April Fool's Day. Each year, I replay the events leading to her death...and each year I think that it won't bother me. Actually, bother is the wrong word. I just miss her more. And, I guess I'm just mad that she's not here to be a part of our lives, especially the lives of her grandkids. And, every year, about a week before April 1, I get a little more emotional...a little weepy...and quiet. I don't really talk about it much because I get tired of getting all emotional. I get tired of crying about it, so it's easier to just not discuss it too much. I'm weeping as I write this, and my throat is all tight, and my nose is running, and it gives me a slight headache. I hate that! I get tired of cleaning myself up, and then doing it again... Anyway, I have a friend that has recently gone through a loss, and the truth is, there's just nothing to say. The big question is, "Why did God let this happen?" Silence. No answer. It took me about 4 years to get back to a "first name basis" with God. I never lost my salvation, or anything like that...I know God was with me, and holding me, and walking with me... but it was just so painful to be in his presence with such a feeling of loss. After about 4 years, when the pain wasn't as fresh, there was a time with the Lord when I let go of the big question. I suppose you could say it was a crossroads...either have faith that he knows what he's doing, or say, "to heck with the whole thing". I chose faith. Doesn't mean I don't think about her every day though. Since her death, I've lost my dad, both grandmothers, one grandfather, and my mother-inlaw. My family now is so different from what I had growing up, and what I had hoped my children would have. So, I'm glad that today is over...